For months I’ve thought about going back to work, well, over a year now actually. I didn’t have a job to go back to because my last position was temporary and ended when I went on maternity leave. 

As any new mother has to, I had to think about whether it’s worth it with the cost of childcare. But also whether I could get a job, not only was a new mother, I’m breastfeeding (so need extra breaks to express milk) I could only do day shifts because Bella feeds to sleep and wakes frequently and I’m not willing to do any cry it out methods and don’t believe in teaching a child to ‘self sooth’. I’d have to work round Mr M’s shifts for childcare and travel purposes (we share a car). And the thought was completely overwhelming. And all these things pointed to an employer simply picking another person over me.

One day I was talking to a good friend of mine who had also recently had a baby and she was planning on going back to work. As we delved into the conversation of working she suggested getting a job at her place, she’d put my name forward and I’d do the usual interview/trial etc. It was a slight relief, a thought of ‘oh maybe this is possible’. Not yet though, plus there wasn’t any positions available at the time.

As Christmas began to approach I started thinking about work again, still Bella wakes frequently and is very reliant on me, but every penny is gone at the end of the month. So really I need to get a job. Day shifts will work hopefully. Again I discussed with my friend, and she offered to try to get me a trial day. All of a sudden I get a huge rush of adrenaline. This could actually happen, but it wasn’t a nice feeling, it was anxiety.

So me and Mr M spoke about it and I ended up in tears. He looked at me lovingly and said:

‘if it’s bringing you to tears your not ready. We don’t want for anything, we always have what we need. What would the extra money be spent on? More things that are unnecessary.’

And he is right, I’m worrying about having more money when we don’t need it. All our bills are paid and the fridge is full. I’ve spent 9 months thinking how I can make money and go back to work, when really I should have just been enjoying my time with Bella. 

Unfortunately, this revelation doesn’t really help my decision to go back to work. Because although I’m getting anxious about going to work, I also get cabin fever and wonder whether a day away would help that? But if I did go back would I feel terribly guilty for leaving her?

I did the trial day, and Bella spent the day with my mum. She had a great day! My little sister is only 6 and is Bella’s idol! They when to a soft play area and had chocolate (which is a treat at home)

I was quite content at work too, had no issues and the management thought I did a fantastic job!
So what’s the issue? Mr M asks: What if she wouldn’t settle one day? I don’t have boobs to help!

For us we decided at the minute it’s not worth it as Bella keeps going back and forward whether she will accept other people’s care. The topic will no doubt come up again after Christmas after the most expensive time of year.

Plans to go back to work are also put on hold since Mr M had also just landed a new job which could hopefully see us a bit better off to! Here’s hoping!